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I’M BACK, BOOS!

back from my break, back from the wedding, back on track?

well, at least i’m 66 percent of those things – and ready to conquer the other 33 percent.

first, i must thank those of you who haven’t yet hit unsubscribe, despite my frequent absences. you guys are the best.

secondly, i got married (and moved the week prior to our big day – do not recommend).

um….HELLS YEA!

(lovely wedding photography courtesy of her)

i haven’t seen all the photos yet…but it was the MOST. PERFECT. DAY. EVER. and in every way imaginable.

we got married at my parents’ home, on their front porch, in 75-degree, sunny and breezy weather. not a cloud in the sky, despite the original 10-day forecast that called for 60-percent thunderstorms. all of our closest friends and family were there to share in our day – which was relaxed, fun, so us.

regardless: true confession? i couldn’t help but stare at the photos (professional and non-pro) and pick out little bits and pieces of my physique (or lack thereof).

like this one:

arm fat close up…ugh.

and this one:

back fat spillage, much?

and this:

egads! those arms again!

yes. it’s sad that after all my work and hours in the gym, i’m still not able to sit and look at these pictures without criticizing the back fat spilling out of my dress or the cellulite on my arms (seriously – how do i get rid of fat on my arms, because no matter what i do, it stays.)

i’m trying to be okay with me – all of me – but sometimes it’s easier than others.

i know that admitting that i’m sitting here looking at beautiful photos of the most beautiful and perfect day of my life and thinking – gosh, my arms looks huge – makes me vain and awful. but i’m all about being honest with you, even if i can’t always be honest with myself.

which leads me to my next topic: getting back on the wagon (or off?).

i need a fill. like whoa. i wanted to get one before the wedding, but after my stuck episode last december, i was frightened, and knew that any impending wedding stress might just put me over the edge when it comes to my band. i wasn’t risking another trip to the ER in my wedding dress 🙂

so yes. a fill. i need one. i can eat just about anything way too fast. and too much of it.

i haven’t stepped on a scale since april, so i have no idea if i’ve gained or lost – and frankly, scarlett, i don’t give a damn.

side-eye.

i also haven’t been to the gym as frequently as i should have. i will let the record show, however, that i worked out within four days of my wedding, both before (a pre-wedding workout with my bff, jars, who came all the way from nebraska and along with her hub, was my wedding angel) and after, despite extreme exhaustion. and it was a great stress reliever.

yes, it is not lost on me that something that would have been a stress inducer (going to a gym, people seeing me in yoga pants, sweating in front of anyone) is now the opposite. so glad that working out is now an enjoyable thing – not something i dread.

i had been going to a new gym (in addition to the Y) – but found that it really wasn’t for me – for reasons i might explore further in a later post.

yes, it was a great workout, yes, it was a new challenge, and yes, i discovered muscles i never knew i had. but it wasn’t fun, and for me to stick with something long term, it must be fun.

so it’s back to the Y (full-time) and turbo i go.

not me.

good thing we’re waiting to honeymoon until october, because my bod is definitely not bikini (or tankini, for that matter) ready!

i’m in the process of unpacking and unloading all of our wedding crap (and general household-type crap), figuring out how to be a wife, figuring out how to live with someone after 10 years of not having a roomie (yes, we never lived together before), figuring out how to get back on track with weight loss and shed these pounds that seem to want to hang on, checking up on all of you, seeing what you’re up to, and acting like a normal human being again. but i think i’ll just start with unpacking.

i hope that part of being a human being means that i can blog again more frequently – on my (soon-to-be) renewed weight loss journey, my adventures in wifedom and lifedom, and sharing exciting news about my friends who have recently embarked on their own WLS adventures, of which there are several. i’m so excited for them, and for me, to be able to share all the great things happening in their lives and the things they’re learning on the road to healthiness.

until next time, my lovelies, keep pressing on toward the goal(s).

happy hump day 🙂

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guest blog

hey guys!

the sun is shining, it’s friday, it’s pay day AND i’m guest blogging over my very best bestest bff’s blog – the thirty girl – today. please check it out if you’ve got a minute to spare.

so happy friday and all that good stuff 🙂

what are you all up to this weekend?

oh hai.

no one reads this blog…because no one posts on this blog…which means i’m writing for and to myself – but i’m cool with it 🙂 this has always been, primarily, a means of unpacking all the thoughts and emotions around my weight loss journey. and i’m doing it for me. if any of you are still around, well — HELLO!! I MISS YOU!

i’ve been busy – applying and interviewing (hanging up my hat, for now…going to enjoy my many weeks of vacation this year and see what 2013 brings), working (some times more than others), wedding planning (about a month and a half to go!), working out (now a member of two gyms, one of which is kicking the crap out of me on the regular), showering (as in bridal), looking for a new home for me and the hubs-to-be (just about secured) – and blogging has just taken a backseat to all of it. i’m sorry.

i’ve had a couple of fills, but haven’t yet reached the green zone (if you’ll recall, i had a pretty traumatic experience and subsequent de-fill that left me a tad traumatized, to say the least).

where are you, green zone? will i ever find you?

i’ve successfully managed to avoid the scale as much as possible and am focusing on being healthy and making good eating and activity decisions. i continue to lose inches – not pounds – and don’t know why, but have given up as far as focusing on weight, rather than health. health is what matters, ultimately, not weight – so as long as i’m healthy and continue to choose good over bad, i feel okay with where i’m at.

i was on facebook, looking for a photo, and came across the mother of all “before” pics. it’s hard to find many of these priceless gems, as i pretty much avoided a camera for most of the ’00s (is that what we’re calling them??).

honestly, it hurts my heart to look at it – knowing how unhappy i was that day (and all the days around it) – stuck in my “fat suit” – just waiting to get out. the more amazing thing about this picture is that i didn’t feel all that fat at the time. i mean, sure, i was overweight, and knew it – but how no clue as to how big i really had gotten (or allowed myself to get).

anyways, i did a little photoshop magic and put it next to a photo taken a few weeks ago at my shower.

wow. what a difference in me.

people often comment on how good i’m looking – or how much weight i’ve lost, and i don’t see it. but looking at it this way, it’s undeniable.

i know longer look swollen and bloated – though, let me tell you…there are still plenty of days when i feel that way!

it’s a pretty awesome reminder of where i’ve been and how far i’ve come. yes, i still have a long way to go – and my band and its resulting weight loss has been sloooooooooooooow (as molasses, as my dad would say), but so, so worth it.

what about you? is it hard to see the progress you’ve made – or is your “new you” too hard not to notice?

bandiversary

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so tomorrow is my bandiversary. one year with this old piece of tubing and portage buried deep (as my doctor tells me) within my stomach.

yay?

i had a lot of expectations pre-band that i realize now were silly.

i thought that one year out, i’d have lost the majority of my excess weight (nope), be a size 8 (or at least at 10), and be writing about how awesome the year was (not that it wasn’t).

i didn’t realize any of those things.

i am just barely 40 pounds down (i say barely because i have an additional 60 to go to appease my doctor and nutritionist), a more impressive nearly 40 inches gone (that IS impressive!), and haven’t lost in months. i’m stuck – i got stuck and then i really got stuck. since my complete defill (and subsequent partial refill) in december, i haven’t been able to consistently lose anything for longer than a week. it’s seriously frustrating. but beyond that, it’s seriously depressing.

i so wanted to write that “this year was amazing and i am so happy about my band” post. and it was. and i am. but it comes with the feeling that i didn’t accomplish the things i thought i so easily would – and the reality that i still have a long (60-pounds long) way to go.

do i regret my decision? no.

would i choose the same thing again? yes. and no. (i would have preferred the sleeve but it wasn’t an option for me; for me, band was the better option over bypass and 40 pounds is nothing to shrug at).

will i keep fighting the good fight? do i have any other option? i’ve poured my blood (not literally), sweat (literally) and tears (oh yea) into the last year and a half of this journey. and even though i wish i would have been able to write “100 pounds down,” i have to remember that yes. it is a journey. one i’m still on. one i’ll always be on.

even when i reach onederland, even when i reach goal, even if i would somehow magically get beyond that elusive number, i will still have to work to maintain. obesity is my disease. PCOS is my disease. they will not go away just because i lose (although gosh, my PCOS symptoms sure are more manageable at 220 than they were at 260). i have no choice but to continue to fight, though most days, it seems easier just to lay down and surrender.

i did lots of amazing things. saw lots of amazing places. i wore lots of amazing clothes. the year was forever long and flew by, all at the same time.

and not all of it was related to – or impacted by – my weight and/or loss. part of it was just me – jessica.

not fat. not thin. just me. at my core (and not deep within my core).

my band may have changed what i looked like on the outside, but it didn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, those who love me loved me at 260, love me at 220, and will love me at 160. and that i love myself – whether at 260, 520, or 110 pounds (haha!). and that’s the only thing that really matters.

so i’ll blow out the candle, pass on the cupcake, and get my butt to the gym, hoping that this time next year, i will be able to write all the things i didn’t get to write this year – as well as a few things i haven’t yet realized i want to write.

****i sincerely hope i am able to post a loss here tomorrow. if not, i will simply appease myself with a progress photo and updated measurements!! ******

remember me?

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yea. i fell off (the face of the internet/the wagon/blogging).

not what i’ve been doing, but i’ve thought about it once or twice (three times obese).

i’ve still been weighing in faithfully and recording it here, but haven’t been doing my weekly weigh-in blogs. between life and the pressure of blogging about my recent gains, i just haven’t felt motivated.

i did, however, see my doctor this week and get an eensy weensy 0.5 fill – and i’m feeling it. i think it may be a good compromise between too little (the past several months) and too much (the several months before the past several months). right now, it feels juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right.

like this.

in wedding news: since i last posted, i have gone wedding dress shopping, and have a second appointment scheduled for this weekend. my first appointment was at david’s – and i was expecting to hate everything. even the vera i so adore.

this is the first time i’ve ever seen a true curvy girl in this dress (besides me). and i love it. rock it, girl!

i was fabulously surprised to see how good i look in white, no less, a wedding gown. sure, my arms need work (whose don’t?), but overall, hooooooooot!

i found two dresses – one i adore, and one everyone else adores. needless to say, there is an $800 difference between the two (of course, the one i love is more expensive), so i felt like i needed to keep shopping.

my appointment this weekend is with a local salon so i’m hoping to find something more middle of the road (price-wise and otherwise).

in non-wedding-related news: i had an interview yesterday. a long one. my mouth was so dry from talking, i felt i would never drink enough water to compensate.

this is what i wore.

suitwhy do i always stand in front of the mirror with my hand just a tad too close to my crotch? sorry for that awkwardness, peeps.

it’s a super corporate gig, so i probably should have worn pearls. no matter, i still felt like at least $50,000.

i think the interview went well … but, as with anything, i never want to assume, so i suppose i’ll just have to wait and see. i can tell you one thing, though. interviewing 40 pounds lighter does a lot of good.

i didn’t sweat (literally or figuratively). i didn’t shift around in my seat because my (new) suit didn’t fit right. i wasn’t pulling at my shirt because it was snagging on my belly fat (let’s be honest, though – there is still plenty of belly fat to get snug [?????] on…).

i just felt better. about me. and about what i bring to the table as an employee and a person. and if that’s all that comes from this experience (the interview, not banding), it will still feel pretty darn good.

have i atoned for my sins (not blogging) with this post? gosh i hope so.

love to all of you wonderful people. hope you’re having a great thursday!

the best thing i’ve read, well, ever.

you all need to head on over here and read this.

if you’re considering banding, or doing the pre-op work, it’s a must-read.

i found myself doing one of these:

sans drumstick of course.

i had a LOOOOONG conversation recently with my nutritionist about this very thing. and if you’ve ever attended a seminar, you know what i’m talking about.

you go in thinking “this is it. this is what i’ve been waiting for. it’s amazing. it will solve all of my problems. why didn’t i find this sooner?”

and then you do it. and things are pretty cool for awhile. you lose some weight, look better, feel better. and you’re all like:

sans drumstick of course.

and then you hit a wall. a plateau. a dry spell. nothing happens. nothing moves (except for you, five to six times a week at the gym). and you wonder what happened between the seminar and real life.

well, it’s all there and black and white folks. the truth.

thanks, jen, for putting it all out there.

you’ve just made my monday all…

weigh-in wednesday

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THIS IMAGE IS MINE

  • last week (12/28): 221.0
  • this week (1/4): 220.0
  • WEEKLY LOSS: -1.0 lbs
  • TOTAL LOSS: -39 lbs

bullocks. i was hoping for more, but i’ll take what i can get.

in other more important news, congrats to stephanie, who just marked 100 pounds down, ronnie, who also has lost 100 pounds and just recently celebrated her bandiversary, and becky, who is taking a break from her blog (and sorely missed), and who also has lost 100 pounds. you ladies rock – and inspire me. i can’t wait to join your club!

i mentioned something last week about taking some time off from blogging. and in the last week, i’ve been thinking about this little nugget of wisdom from the wise ronnie:

The minute blogging feels less like “therapy” and more like a burden, it’s definitely time to take the shackles off. :(

Sometimes blogging can actually hinder weight loss, with the pressure you sometimes feel posting a weight every week… so if you need to take time off, or even stop blogging don’t feel obligated to us. Just know we wish ya well!

i haven’t made any decisions about whether or not i’ll take a break from my very small corner of the world wide web, but i really am stuck on this idea of blogging hindering weight loss.

anyone have any personal experience with this? weighing in every week is definitely a stressor — recording it here even more so.

ugh. decisions, decisions.

p.s. this is what i looked like on NYE.

i was pretty okay with that.

p.p.s. today is my four-year anniversary with my boo. also okay with that 🙂

weigh-in wednesday

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THIS IMAGE IS MINE

  • last week (12/21): 218.4
  • this week (12/28): 221.0
  • WEEKLY LOSS: +2.6 lbs
  • TOTAL LOSS: -who the heck knows? lbs

um. yea. happy holidays?

seriously, though, my facebook status from yesterday: for the past several days, my diet has consisted primarily of the 3 c’s: cookies, carbs and cherry coke. i anticipate gaining several pounds of pure sugar and subsequently losing my mind when i see the number on the scale tomorrow morning. regardless, i have enjoyed it. back to the gym tonight and normal life next week.

so yeaaaaaaaa. i’m off the wagon. mind you, i did work out every day but two over the long weekend (including on christmas eve), but my eating has consisted of little protein and whole lotta carb – has been ever since “the incident.” i refuse to eat eggs so i had pancakes. three times! um….yea. i hate pancakes!

i will freely admit that i’m enjoying a little break from reality – free of counting grams of protein and whatnot – so just let me enjoy my time off the wagon, eh? i realize that this break doesn’t come without consequences (as realized on the scale this morning) but i’ll be back on track with food (and spending) after the holiday (i.e. monday). i must. i have a wedding dress to shop for. eeeeek!

speaking of breaks, i’ve also been considering taking an extended break from this blog, but not until after my bandiversary. it just feels like a chain around my ankle that i can’t shake, and if it weren’t for my three faithful readers and the fact that i like being able to see my loss (or gains as of late) from week to week, i would have quit long ago. i’ll keep thinking about that one.

hope everyone has an amazing and safe new year’s celebration! see you all in 2012!

weigh-in wednesday

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THIS IMAGE IS MINE

  • last week (12/14): 218.0
  • this week (12/21): 218.4
  • WEEKLY LOSS: +0.4 lbs
  • TOTAL LOSS: -40.6 lbs

put the brakes on, cookie monster. we’re headed in the WRONG DIRECTION.

i’ve had way too many carbs in the past week and need to get a handle on both my carb consumption and my new looser band (which now only has about 5 ccs after my ER unfill/refill).

SERIOUSLY. in addition to my spending diet, i also will be make some modifications to my menu. so look out for that. and me.

merry christmas, y’all!