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so tomorrow is my bandiversary. one year with this old piece of tubing and portage buried deep (as my doctor tells me) within my stomach.

yay?

i had a lot of expectations pre-band that i realize now were silly.

i thought that one year out, i’d have lost the majority of my excess weight (nope), be a size 8 (or at least at 10), and be writing about how awesome the year was (not that it wasn’t).

i didn’t realize any of those things.

i am just barely 40 pounds down (i say barely because i have an additional 60 to go to appease my doctor and nutritionist), a more impressive nearly 40 inches gone (that IS impressive!), and haven’t lost in months. i’m stuck – i got stuck and then i really got stuck. since my complete defill (and subsequent partial refill) in december, i haven’t been able to consistently lose anything for longer than a week. it’s seriously frustrating. but beyond that, it’s seriously depressing.

i so wanted to write that “this year was amazing and i am so happy about my band” post. and it was. and i am. but it comes with the feeling that i didn’t accomplish the things i thought i so easily would – and the reality that i still have a long (60-pounds long) way to go.

do i regret my decision? no.

would i choose the same thing again? yes. and no. (i would have preferred the sleeve but it wasn’t an option for me; for me, band was the better option over bypass and 40 pounds is nothing to shrug at).

will i keep fighting the good fight? do i have any other option? i’ve poured my blood (not literally), sweat (literally) and tears (oh yea) into the last year and a half of this journey. and even though i wish i would have been able to write “100 pounds down,” i have to remember that yes. it is a journey. one i’m still on. one i’ll always be on.

even when i reach onederland, even when i reach goal, even if i would somehow magically get beyond that elusive number, i will still have to work to maintain. obesity is my disease. PCOS is my disease. they will not go away just because i lose (although gosh, my PCOS symptoms sure are more manageable at 220 than they were at 260). i have no choice but to continue to fight, though most days, it seems easier just to lay down and surrender.

i did lots of amazing things. saw lots of amazing places. i wore lots of amazing clothes. the year was forever long and flew by, all at the same time.

and not all of it was related to – or impacted by – my weight and/or loss. part of it was just me – jessica.

not fat. not thin. just me. at my core (and not deep within my core).

my band may have changed what i looked like on the outside, but it didn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, those who love me loved me at 260, love me at 220, and will love me at 160. and that i love myself – whether at 260, 520, or 110 pounds (haha!). and that’s the only thing that really matters.

so i’ll blow out the candle, pass on the cupcake, and get my butt to the gym, hoping that this time next year, i will be able to write all the things i didn’t get to write this year – as well as a few things i haven’t yet realized i want to write.

****i sincerely hope i am able to post a loss here tomorrow. if not, i will simply appease myself with a progress photo and updated measurements!! ******

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