so tomorrow is my bandiversary. one year with this old piece of tubing and portage buried deep (as my doctor tells me) within my stomach.
i had a lot of expectations pre-band that i realize now were silly.
i thought that one year out, i’d have lost the majority of my excess weight (nope), be a size 8 (or at least at 10), and be writing about how awesome the year was (not that it wasn’t).
i didn’t realize any of those things.
i am just barely 40 pounds down (i say barely because i have an additional 60 to go to appease my doctor and nutritionist), a more impressive nearly 40 inches gone (that IS impressive!), and haven’t lost in months. i’m stuck – i got stuck and then i really got stuck. since my complete defill (and subsequent partial refill) in december, i haven’t been able to consistently lose anything for longer than a week. it’s seriously frustrating. but beyond that, it’s seriously depressing.
i so wanted to write that “this year was amazing and i am so happy about my band” post. and it was. and i am. but it comes with the feeling that i didn’t accomplish the things i thought i so easily would – and the reality that i still have a long (60-pounds long) way to go.
do i regret my decision? no.
would i choose the same thing again? yes. and no. (i would have preferred the sleeve but it wasn’t an option for me; for me, band was the better option over bypass and 40 pounds is nothing to shrug at).
will i keep fighting the good fight? do i have any other option? i’ve poured my blood (not literally), sweat (literally) and tears (oh yea) into the last year and a half of this journey. and even though i wish i would have been able to write “100 pounds down,” i have to remember that yes. it is a journey. one i’m still on. one i’ll always be on.
even when i reach onederland, even when i reach goal, even if i would somehow magically get beyond that elusive number, i will still have to work to maintain. obesity is my disease. PCOS is my disease. they will not go away just because i lose (although gosh, my PCOS symptoms sure are more manageable at 220 than they were at 260). i have no choice but to continue to fight, though most days, it seems easier just to lay down and surrender.
and not all of it was related to – or impacted by – my weight and/or loss. part of it was just me – jessica.
not fat. not thin. just me. at my core (and not deep within my core).
my band may have changed what i looked like on the outside, but it didn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, those who love me loved me at 260, love me at 220, and will love me at 160. and that i love myself – whether at 260, 520, or 110 pounds (haha!). and that’s the only thing that really matters.
so i’ll blow out the candle, pass on the cupcake, and get my butt to the gym, hoping that this time next year, i will be able to write all the things i didn’t get to write this year – as well as a few things i haven’t yet realized i want to write.
****i sincerely hope i am able to post a loss here tomorrow. if not, i will simply appease myself with a progress photo and updated measurements!! ******
if you’re considering banding, or doing the pre-op work, it’s a must-read.
i found myself doing one of these:
i had a LOOOOONG conversation recently with my nutritionist about this very thing. and if you’ve ever attended a seminar, you know what i’m talking about.
you go in thinking “this is it. this is what i’ve been waiting for. it’s amazing. it will solve all of my problems. why didn’t i find this sooner?”
and then you do it. and things are pretty cool for awhile. you lose some weight, look better, feel better. and you’re all like:
sans drumstick of course.
and then you hit a wall. a plateau. a dry spell. nothing happens. nothing moves (except for you, five to six times a week at the gym). and you wonder what happened between the seminar and real life.
well, it’s all there and black and white folks. the truth.
thanks, jen, for putting it all out there.
you’ve just made my monday all…
no. not that kind of diet (though i do plan on making some modifications to my regularly scheduled breakfast, lunch and dinner).
a spending diet. as in, watching my spending like i watch my waistline.
i’ve been reading dave ramsey and perusing my checking account and the verdict is in: i’ve been spending too much (mostly little bits here and there, but all in all, too much).
if you knew what i was like ten years ago, heck, even five, you would know how far i’ve come. but since many of you didn’t know me then, you probably wouldn’t understand the enormity of the change in my financial outlook over the past decade.
generally speaking, i’m a thrifty gal. i never pay for shipping, i coupon and pay my credit card balance every month. i have an emergency fund and a 401k and utilize my health savings account (pre-tax dollars baby!). i shop when stuff is on sale and rarely pay full price for anything.
regardless of all of these things, i still am spending too much money. not living-beyond-my-means spending, or i’ll-be-broke-by-the-end-of-the-month spending, just. TOO. MUCH. and because money can be such a huge issue in marriage, and because i don’t want it to be an issue in mine, i’m going to re-examine the way i look at – and spend – money.
also, and this is a big thing, i’ve come to realize that some of my spending is bordering on transfer addiction.
Psychologists call this phenomenon “addiction transfer.” People who struggle with compulsive behaviors (such as compulsive overeating, alcoholism, smoking, compulsive gambling or shopping, promiscuity, workaholism, Internet or video game addiction and drug addiction), often find that they overcome one addiction only to develop another months or even years later.
(you can read more about it here.)
you see, i can’t eat like i used to, or devote my time to coach-potatohood (yep. i just made that up.) or smoke. sidebar: i smoked for 10 years and quit before being banded. after banding, my desire to smoke (even after having not smoked for a year) is greater than ever. it doesn’t even make sense to me.
post-banding, i am addicted to exercise (not a horrible thing) and as of late, spending money. shopping, hoarding random crap like wallflowers and candles because i’m afraid i’ll miss out on something and not be able to get it again. like serious messed-up, addictive (hoarder??) thinking.
so come january 1, i am starting a serious spending diet. and i’m basing it on this chica’s spending diet, with a few necessary modifications.
The Spending Diet:
- make list of my needs: shelter, phone, food, utilities, rent.
- from my needs list, determine what can be costs can be reduced (i’d say eliminate, but they are supposed NEEDS).
- stop spending $$$$$$.
- spend money on needs, because, hey, they’re needs.
- because this is a spending diet (not a fast), i am allowing myself a $100 limit on “non-needs” for the month. stuff like: clothes, make-up, entertainment, dinner out, other random “non-needs” stuff. this does not include wedding-related expenses, as those are pretty much unavoidable at this point (deposits, fees, dress, whatnot). that’s a completely separate budget – YES. I HAVE AN EXTREMELY DETAILED (AND THRIFTY) WEDDING BUDGET THAT I UPDATE ON THE DAILY.
- i’ll keep a running monthly tally of the money i’m spending on “non-needs” and once the $100 is done, so is my spending.
the implications of such a task are not lost on me. and subconsciously, i think my ability/inability to cut my spending is directly related to my ability/inability to lose weight.
this will be particularly challenging, given that it falls right during bath & body works’ semi-annual sale and end-of-the-year clearances (damn wallflowers!), but i will be strong. and i will save.
and i will be a better (and richer) person/partner/bandit for it.
sometimes i forget that i make these promises to you, my faithful friends, to blog (at least) once a week about a particular thing. please forgive me?!
this week, i’m thankful for being able to wear heels again.
when you’re (severely – morbidly even) overweight, wearing heels is not only a challenge, it’s sometimes impossible. holding up more than 250 pounds on a four-inch stiletto? fuggggggeddddddaboutit.
but with my now 39-ish-pounds-lighter body, i can once again wear heels. granted, they’re not as comfortable as my clogs or as cozy as my sneakers, but i get the job done – and i’m a few inches further from the ground (always a good thing when you’re barely 5’4″).
in fact, i just bought these:
(and yes, that is a tattoo: “strong woman”)
these red-hot babies will be on my feet when i marry that man of mine. not sure if i would have made it through a walk down the hall, let alone one down the aisle, 39-ish pounds ago. and for that, i’m thankful.
what are you thankful for this week?
anywhoo: negative thoughts aside….THANKFUL THURSDAY.
as a refresher, each thursday i’m posting one NSV (non-scale victory) for which i’m thankful.
this week, it’s the ups (and downs) in my healthiness journey, fitting given that i’m turning 30 this saturday.
i sat at our support group meeting for almost two hours after it ended last night, talking with a girl who was considering surgery. she asked if i ever regretted my decision to get the band.
my answer to her – and to anyone else who may ask – is that as much as i have struggled, as much as i’ve flip-flopped around the scale, as much as i have cried, and yelled, and cursed my band (and doctor!), i wouldn’t have done anything differently.
they say that the journey is half the battle. i’ve always thought that was corny.
and it still is. but it’s also true.
it’s taught me a lot about what i’m capable of – and what others are capable of. it’s taught me about patience and perseverance and perspiration. it’s taught me that i can push myself harder, further, faster than i ever thought possible. it’s taught me to stand up for myself, and say what i’m feeling – whether others like it or not.
most importantly, it’s all a part of the woman i am and the one i’m becoming.
…and that’s something for which i am extremely thankful.
what are you thankful for this thursday?
tired of my alliterative posts? me too.
but, as of late, i’ve had some writer’s block when it comes to all-things weight loss, and becky suggested i blog about an NSV (non-scale victory). so, from here on out (or maybe just here and once a month?), i will be blogging about an NSV and calling it —– trumpet sound —– THANKFUL THURSDAY.
this week, i’m thankful for, once again, being able to fit into my jeans without huffing and puffing, and blowing my self esteem down.
if you’ve ever struggled with your weight (and probably, even if you never have), you know that trying to fit a muffin top (and the rest of the bakery section) into too-tight jeans, well — it’s not a pretty picture. it’s also not comfortable.
thank goodness for being able to zip my jeans without worrying about zipping my cellulite.
i’m also glad to be able to shop for said-fitting jeans in a regular store, not old navy’s online plus section (despicable), lane bryant ($50 for jeans because i’m fat? um…no!), or the host of plus-size clothing outlets (mostly online) that sell denim designed for my mother (no offense, mom!).
months ago, this might have seemed like a non-victory, not a non-scale victory. i mean, i was so focused on losing pounds, not inches.
oh how foolish i was.
just goes to show how, on this journey we call weight loss, what we prioritize can so quickly change. months ago, i worried about fitting into jeans because i was too big. now i worry about fitting into jeans because THEY’RE too big.
and THAT, my friends, is something for which to be thankful.
what NSVs are you celebrating this thursday? and what are you thankful for?
in the craziness of my return to reality (ugh), i missed one very important date: my six-month bandiversary!
that’s right: i’m six months banded (though it feels like forever, since, if we want to get technical, it was this time last year that i was just beginning the six-month supervised diet and the many other pre-op hoops i wound encounter before being approved for surgery).
in these past six months, i’ve done and learned a lot, including:
- losing 38 pounds, at least 30 inches (at last count), and six points (?) off my BMI.
- discovering that eating in the car is a really bad idea, especially when it comes to breakfast sandwiches.
- going hard on the food-front helps, but going hard in the gym is what makes all the difference – at least, for me.
- learning that doctors don’t know everything. what they think is right for me isn’t always what’s right for me.
- conquering my fear of bathing suits. up until this summer, i don’t think i’d worn one in public in more than three years.
- getting back to (and having now surpassed) my pre-PCOS diagnosis weight.
- realizing that surgery wasn’t like putting on a bandaid – it was like taking one off. a lapband didn’t fix the problem; instead, it opened up old wounds and everyday issues that forced me to finally deal with my weight and emotions – and not by eating or sleeping my way into oblivion. i never considered myself an emotional eater until eating was no longer an option to avoid dealing with my emotions.
i ate two slices of ham last night. two slices of lunch meat ham … not two slices of easter sunday dinner ham.
this is clearly not the ham in question, as there are three – count them – three slices of ham.
i don’t know what came over me (the devil).
70 calories. 4 carbs. 1 sugar.
if yesterday had been any other day of the week, that would be a great choice.
but yesterday was day 9 of my two-week liquid diet. NINE. i made it nine days and caved for two slices of ham?
i sat through girls night with my friends and watched them eat chocolate chip cookies, spinach dip, chips and some delicious looking thing with oreos and whipped cream, and caved for ham? on day NINE?
i watched my dad bake and eat homemade bread and caved for ham? HAM??
i thought this was supposed to get easier. i thought i was a downward slope.
well, apparently i was.
remember when i said how strong (mentally) i was feeling? well, apparently that all goes away on day 9 and you eat ham. HAM!
i know i shouldn’t beat myself up over two slices of ham. it was a perfectly legitimate (and low-carb) nutritional decision. but i stepped on the scale this morning and i was up 2.2 pounds since yesterday. um? really? for two pieces of ham? (sodium? retaining water? other ridiculous excuse we attribute to a gain?)
i wanted to say i did two weeks without a slip-up. this ham is another (one more) reminder that i’m not perfect, and that slip-ups will happen. at least i slipped up with ham and not with a nachos bell grande or some other devoid-of-nutritional-value choice.
for anyone who’s interested: i had a stress test yesterday and have no reason to think it went anything but well. hoping to hear from them today or monday, at the latest, for my cardiac clearance for WEDNESDAY’S surgery. if i don’t, they will certainly hear from me. at this point, i don’t mind harassing people. i will call you. repeatedly. like a drunk snooki.
it’s day 6 of my two-week pre-op liquid diet and i’m only down 3.4 pounds.
i’ve been doing great all along at controlling my emotions (which are roller-coastery as it’s TOM), but now i want to hurt someone.
i e-mailed the dietitian and she said it looks like i’m eating all the right things and she’s not concerned.
WELL I SURE AS HECK AM.
what was the pre-op diet like for you? will the scale catch up to me by the end? PLEASE SEND HELP.